Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

This week of class we discussed Communication and Mutual Problem Solving. It is hard not to communicate because communication is more than just talking. Some ways that we communicate are through our words, tone, and non-verbal. Most of the time we communicate through our body language. Some may say that they are sad, but if you look at them, they are smiling and are very jumpy, which is the opposite of being sad. Also, the manner that they say things express something completely different from what they are saying. Take for instance sarcasm, you may know people who talk in this way, but actually, they do not really mean what they are saying.  One of the biggest problems that most people resort to receive help from family therapists is communication. It’s not surprising due to the rise of communication through cellular devices. If you want to send a message to a grandparent across the world they can instantly receive that message through text messaging. They can talk to their friends whenever they, and wherever they want. It is honestly amazing how much we can progress, but of course, it does cause some problems as well. People, the youth especially are learning more about how to communicate with one another through text, and lose more learning opportunities to communicate with others in person. It doesn’t come to surprise that when they get married they have a hard time communicating with their spouse. They might have had an easier time texting them than actually talking with them. One of the main problems that arise is the power struggle in marriage and how wedded couples make big decisions together. In life, we usually can make a decision and do the things that you want, but when you add a person to be with you at your side, your whole line of thinking changes. Sometimes it does not change though, one of the wedded couples makes all of the decisions while the other passively agrees with what they decide. This is not the case with everyone though, some hate or get frustrated when they cannot get their opinion across. Usually, arguments start with this difference of opinion and then leads to a problem of who holds the power in the couple. Something that we learned in class though it is alright to have differences. Each person has their own likes and dislikes. Feelings and aspirations that they hold are not expressed, frustrations and doubts are not told, and most of them just want that to get their opinion across to their spouse. So the way to do this is through consensus. This is when each person can express their feelings and opinion and can agree and disagree with each other, then they start finding ways to make it so that a decision can be made that both of them agree upon. Sometimes both will not come with the same answer immediately, it may take many days and that is alright. What this does is create a balance in the family and wedded couple due to each having the ability to express their feelings and in the end being able to make a decision in which they both can agree on. Although each person needs to show actual interest in what the other person is saying and listen to them even when it is something you do not like. We need to also make sure to try not to interrupt the other person, if we do it shows to the other person that we are not listening to them or that we do not care what they are saying.

The Family Under Stress

For this week’s discussion, we focused on the families under stress. There are countless numbers of things that give us stress in life whether they be good for our health or bad for health. To be better understand how these stressors affect families and individuals and how they ended up coping with these occurrences, family scholars created a model. This model was called the ABCX family crisis model. A represents the events of stress and the difficulties it produces. B represents the resources that the family uses to cope and it also represents how the families respond to such situation. C represents what cognition of the family and how they define the events that happened. X is the result of A, B, and C when they interact to produce the crisis. A, B, and C are all crucial to the outcome. Some stressor events can include the death of a family member, a severely injured child who is placed in the hospital, or a loss of a job while providing for a family of nine. Stressors can be both internal and external. Some internal stressors are mental health problems and a moment in time where you are unable to think clearly to decide. Something that we need to understand is that not all stressors are equal, and the impact that it deals with an individual may not be the same as it would for you. A big part of stress is what we do with it.  We can cope with it or we can just get by. Coping and getting by are two different ways to react to stress. Coping is when we make fine changes to be able to be proactive to react in a manner that will allow you to deal effectively with something difficult. While getting by results in dealing with things that do not result in much, in the end, it does not result in helping at all. There are many ineffective coping patterns some of them are denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. Denial could be one of the most common ineffective coping patterns, it is when people will not believe what they observe. An example of this is when someone is married to a person who has drinking problems, but they refuse this person as a drinking problem. This can be useful when it is used as a temporary measure that enables family members to prepare their resources. Although if it is used for the long term it can be very destructive. A way to break out of denial is for family members to openly admit that there is a problem or that they have a problem. Sometimes when people openly recognize their problems it can lead to their avoidance of the problem. Avoiding usually is counterproductive. So those who abuse drugs and avoid making any actions to stop can increase their risk for more health problems. Another occurrence that can happen is that when people admit their problems, but they direct someone to put the blame on their problems. Unlike the other two, in a short time, it does not provide a use to the benefit to the family or individual. Scapegoating is a way of shifting responsibilities to another person or thing so that they do not feel guilty or responsible for dealing with the crisis. What I believe that families need to understand is that nothing can truly be resolved with action. If we leave something to be how it is, it will never help the family to grow in the way it should. This family would be shackled by what happened and will drag them until the very end. It may seem hard at the beginning, and it may produce problems and stress, but in the end, it will entirely worth the risk to do.

Sexual intimacy and Family life

This week of discussion was focused on Sexual intimacy and Family life. Something in this life that we face is our sexual desires. Surprisingly enough it plays a part to have a happy marriage that everyone wants in their life, although it should be regarded with much care and attention. The care that must be put into it is one that people rarely place. The once action held only in marriage has changed to something that people do for momentary happiness. Let me be clear this is not what will bring happiness to people. This happiness that people look for comes after when two people come together and become one. When their thoughts change from their selves to what they can do to help their spouse. This idea is thrown out the door with many people taking sex as something they can do in the meantime. Sadly this depiction started for many at younger ages due to encounters with pornography from curiosity or friends. This depicts sex as something that is prevalent and leads many to thinks as people as objects. This also leads to damage in marriage in which the one or the other may think of their spouse as an object in sex only to fulfill their every beck and call, and desires. In the end, it results in divorce or infidelity. A way to combat this is by giving our children at the so-called, “Talk.” Now pornography can be seen anywhere at any time, one day our children will see it and be misconstrue sex. If we give them the talk it will help them understand what sex is and will help them in the later future. Something also to be considered is that if a married couple does not take sex seriously it can damage their relationship. I say, for instance, the husband wants sex, but his wife does not since she is so tired, she should respect her and hold back that sexual desire and visa versa. Also, if one of you is uncomfortable doing something then express your discomfort and do not do it. Both husband and wife have a say in sex, in what they like and do not like. Due to our differences, it also plays a role in happiness in families, men usually rely on sexual intimacy to then be able to be warm, safe, and secure with their spouse. While for women, they like to first get warm, safe, and secure to then be able to have sexual intimacy. If both husband and wife do not realize this it will become a never-ending cycle in which one of them will never be able to be satisfied. Also if both partners understand about organisms it will help both of them to be able to have a better sexual experience. For men, it takes about ten seconds while for women it takes about twenty to thirty seconds. If men do not take that into account, they will in a sense have only their desires satisfied while their partner is left unsatisfied. Another natural occurrence in life is that men have been more allocated with being hyper-focused in one thing at a time. On the other hand, women have been allocated to being Multi-tasker in which they can think about so many things at the same time. This usually leads to problems in the family, since the wife is focused on the kids and other responsibilities, most men start to believe that she has no longer any interest in him. If they do engage in sex the women are more likely to first think about the children and other necessities needed to get done before the end of the day instead of sex. To be able to have a more fulfilling sex life there is much to be learned and I hope this helps.

Transitions in Marriage

In this week’s focus of discussion was Transitions in Marriage. For those that do take this step they soon find it being more than what they asked for. There may be unspoken disagreements between spouses, there may be unexpected financial debt, and there may be an unexpected child that throws the entire system that the wedded couple had thoroughly planned out. These problems are a natural part that happens in marriage. Sadly, most of these problems also comes through miscommunication like when the mom focuses mainly on the child and when she talks with her spouse, she usually focuses on his faults. This does not mean that she does not like him, it is the opposite, she wants her spouse to learn and grow. Although the spouse takes it as harsh criticism, and he starts to space himself from the family. Another problem is also the involvement of the families. This can cause a big rift in the development of the boundary those people want to create when they get married. The average cost of marriage is around twenty thousand, making it hard for young couples to afford. Most do not even take the chance due to how much it costs. When those who do go for it, they usually ask for help from their parent to help pay for it financially. Now this is where the problems start to come in, say for instance, the wife’s parents pay for the marriage, they start to plan most if not the entire wedding. Now this newly wedded couple is indebted them for all that they have done. With most things that happen afterward the wife’s parents will always be included to participate in, if not the parents start to get defensive. They start to attack the couple why they are not included when they were the one that made it possible for the both to get married. At this point the husband’s parent are not included in most of the things that happen in this couple’s life and that also causes conflict between them as well. Now this may seem to many, what is the point of getting married when all it will bring is conflict. I do not believe that the only thing we will get form getting married is problems and pain. I believe that there is a happiness that we can obtain that we will never achieve with getting married. As we discussed there are ways to involve both families on the wedding and have it so the couple are the ones that are planning everything. This is by choosing the cheaper and more affordable route, you both come from families that have different skills that can provide to the whole, maybe the husband’s mom and cousins are amazing cooks. He can ask them if they could provide food for the wedding. Maybe the wife knows friends that are amazing that doing interior design they could help create a place look beautiful. The possibilities are endless and can help establish a sense of unity in the family while making boundaries. To resolve or take away assumptions both of the newly wedded couple need to make a plan together in what they want to do to raise the children, how they are both going to be involved in raising the children and if problems do arise how they are going to fix it.  Believe the number one fix to most relationships is open communication between the both sides. If there even a slight disturbance it can lead to a big problem later. Now that being said if you are going into marriage with a mindset that is fixed and set on the ways of the world, you can never achieve pure happiness that you will get when you have a growth mindset and plan together as a couple for your marriage.